My pain alone
by Saiyachick
Summary: A Goten-hate-Goku fic. Not enough of these. Goten is at a school assembly and presents a contest winning poem he wrote...but it doesnt look too good for Goku...
1. Chapter One: Expressing

Disclaimer: I don't own DBZ

Summary: This is my Goten-hate-Goku angst ficcy.

**_My pain alone_**

**__**

"And next up for our poetry competition is Son Goten who will express a heart filled poem of his hardships in life." Said the announcer while leaving the podium. The teenager walked up to the stage and looked at the audience. He spotted his brother, sister in law, niece, mother, and him…his father…

'Now he'll know how I truly feel.' He thought bitterly. He cleared his throat and began to speak the words of his poetry dramatically.

**__**

_"Haven't you ever felt?_

_That pain of self-loneliness before,_

_It hurts with a deep angst feeling,_

_This emotion of sadness and more,_

_It's quite sad to look into his eyes,_

_And notice that he didn't care,_

_How much he put my brother through,_

_Not knowing the childhood ever lived,_

_Yet I was blessed to have a brother,_

_A role model of my own,_

_Yet instead when I wanted a father,_

_I lived through my pain alone,_

_How much can I hold out this pain?_

_Until I give up and explode,_

_How many times has crimson blood?_

_Spilt on the battle field alone,_

_Why were you gone for so long?_

_For all those seven years,_

_It's pitiful enough you can't even raise me,_

_Nor the elder son you have here,_

_If you loved me more than training,_

_Then all would be different in life,_

_I wouldn't be here fighting these tears,_

_You should put more effort into family, and now I sigh,_

_The days I spent wondering of you,_

_Being innocent and naïve,_

_The people who cared sheltered me,_

_They didn't want me to cry and hear,_

_Of how my father was so noble,_

_Of how you were so great and all,_

_Most of all what I hate the most,_

_Is not having a father at all,_

_You might be here today, right now,_

_And you might even being listening to this deal,_

_The wounds inflected upon myself,_

_Will never be healed,_

_For I missed seven years of childhood,_

_Without a father that was killed,_

_Now I am here standing before you,_

_The once child you never held…"_

As Goten said those last words he stared hard at Goku and hissed a thank you and walked off stage.

'It was the right thing to do…I was a baby who was never held by his father…only abandoned, but saved by people who care…


	2. Chapter Two: Confronting

Disclaimer: I don't own DBZ.

**Goten, Trunks, Paris-17 Bura and Pan- 15**

Summary: Goten isn't feeling to peachy about his father, now what will happen when confrontation occurs?

**_My pain alone_**

**_Chapter Two: Confronting_**

**__**

            Goten got up from the podium and the clapping died down. He walked back stage and hissed. His anger was mixing up deep within, and it wont be pretty when it exploded. Tears were brimming from his orbs of obsidian mixed with a glint of hatred. Never did he think he would express his true feelings…never did her think it would happen…

"And I want you to all give your thanks to the two poets!" the principal echoed throughout the ceremony, "show them some recognition. From both happy and sad."

The brunette haired girl walked up to one of her best friends and gave him a big hug. She blinked out some tears but concealed them as she congratulated her friend. The girl was Paris, Goten's ex-girlfriend, but close friend. After a while things didn't work out, so they remained friends.

"That was wonderful," she whispered. Paris knew about the ordeal between the Son boys and their father, yet he was still clueless. "You did the right thing."

"Did I Par-Chan?" Goten asked while gazing off into the crowd, "Did I really do the right thing or make another mistake?"

She shook her head and let go of him gently, "Never Goten, you had to let it go sooner or later…he needed to know."

"I just don't know," the half bred, said while looking into her dark onyx eyes, "I can't help but think all of this through. For kami's sake I dragged Gohan into this." 

"What your father did was wrong Goten," Paris assured, "All will be healed soon, come on, let's go."

Goten stared at her with confusion, "Where are we going?"

"Don't you remember?" Paris asked with confusion, "We're meeting Bura and Trunks at the soda shop down the street."

"I don't want to leave Pan with my parents and Gohan alone…" Goten said hesitantly.

Paris smiled brightly, "Meet me there. I'll go get Pan, and we'll meet you there."

"But-"

It was too late, Paris already ran off into the crowd to find Pan. Goten sighed, but with a small smile and walked down the street. It was sunny out, and the rays hit his back softly and he shoved his hands in his pockets. Occasionally people would congratulate him, and he would say a 'thanks.'

"Hey Goten!" a voice yelled.

He turned his head and spotted wisps of lavender and aqua hair. Goten widened his smile and noticed it was Trunks and Bura. "Hey guys," he said coolly, "Wasn't I suppose to meet you at the soda shop?"

"Well apparently you walked passed it," Bura giggled while kissing him on the cheek, "I heard your poem was a knock out."

"I guess," he mumbled.

Trunks slapped his long time friend on the back lightly knowingly. He was one of the first one's to find out his angst side, and both concealed it from the others. He then smiled and they walked back to the soda shop and sat inside at a booth.

"So, how'd everything go?" Trunks asked while taking a drink of his root beer float.

"It was alright," Goten replied while ordering some fries.

Bura smiled and ordered a strawberry shake and looked around. "Where's Paris?"

Goten looked out the window and replied after a moment. "I didn't want Pan to be alone with the parental's so Paris offered to get her and meet us here."

Soon enough, Pan and Paris walked in and sat at the booth. Both the food and drinks arrived and the five conversed among one another. Pan then remembered something her father told her to tell Goten. "Er hey Goten, dad said for me to tell you that he wanted to see you after we're done…"

Goten remained quite and only nodded. Now everyone would confront him…he knows…things were looking bad.

~*~

Gohan was sitting under a tree in the woods waiting for his little brother to come. After the expressive detailed poem was read commotion went on between his mother, _father, _and wife. Only a selected few knew about the painful ordeal, and now it was out in the open.

He had to admit; he was bit angst himself. His father was a good person, but very clueless and problematic. Goku runs away from troubles, but doesn't even know it. In Gohan's teenage years he felt a bitter hatred, yet he concealed it all this time…just like Goten right now.

Goten was different…diverse in more ways then one. Gohan didn't realize the moment his baby brother discovered that newfound hatred, and he failed. He didn't want Goten to go through as much as pain and torment as he did.

"Gohan, you wanted to see me?" Goten whispered while walking over to his older brother.

He sat up and greeted his brother. "When did you know you hated father?" 

"Hate is such a small word. Abhor is more of my liking in my choice of words to describe him," Goten hissed.

"Goten, don't get attitude," Gohan said calmly, "Tell me, when did you start _abhorring _father?"

"He isn't a father in my eyes," the younger Son replied audibly, "I was left alone…my pain alone."

Gohan shook his head, "You're not alone Goten, you're not the only one who feels this way."

Goten looked up at his brother to see his eyes blazing with maliciousness and bitterness. He gazed deep within the darkness and found a pair of lost and mystical eyes. A life of sadness and mourning was for him to see. He looked into the eyes as if they were windows, revealing the dark past.

"You don't know," Goten snapped while shaking his head, "you'll never know."

"I know a lot more than you think!" Gohan growled angrily, "Don't tell me about your days of loneliness Goten, I know! When I grew up you didn't witness father being killed, you didn't witness him leaving us, and you didn't have your innocent childish years shattered by him! I was forced to grow up soon and take care of a family that was his!"

"What are you saying?" Goten whispered lightly with fury.

"That I'm the one who knows your pain."


	3. Chapter Three: Distrusting

Disclaimer: I don't own DBZ.

Summary: Gohan has finally relieved his anger and pain to Goten about how Goku was never a father. Will Goten side with Gohan, or will he push him away like the others?

**__**

**_My pain alone_**

**__**

**_Chapter three: Distrusting_**

**__**

**__**

Goten stared at his brother coldly and shook his head roughly. "You know nothing of my pain."

"What in the hell are you talking about?" Gohan yelled while sitting up. "You've got to be crazy. You don't know anything about this hatred. You've only started your sadness, and me, I've lived through it all my life."

"Don't you dare-"

"No Goten, don't you dare raise your voice at me!" Gohan growled while walking up to Goten. "I'm the one that knows all this pain. I forgot it all, but it healed within time, yet sometimes I can't help but feel anger towards dad. Don't ever say that I don't know the deathly feeling because you're the one who doesn't know death…"

The younger Saiyan glared deeply at Gohan with hatred. He scoffed and turned his back towards his brother. "Never say I don't know death…never. I know more than you think. Oh yes, you saw father die; now you want to be pitied over! YOU had your chance Gohan; YOU had all the chances in the world. Why don't you show them your scars of pain? Why don't you show them all your letters and blood you wrote and spilt?! Why don't YOU do something about it, instead of coming up to me to start ruining my moment of hatred? Why do you have to do it now? You know why, because you are afraid. Don't you EVER dare say I don't know death because I went through it? Seven years without a father, watching you and mother mourn over a death and person I didn't even know!"

Gohan looked fiercely at Goten and sighed profoundly. "That's all in the past Goten. My letters and blood is none of your business. I was trying to protect you from the pain I felt, I'm not running from things, I was just trying to conceal my friends and family. Now everyone is coming up to me and confronting me, mom and dad were asking me about things, Videl was trying her best to not start a fight, and now Pan is asking me about our relationship to her grandfather! I don't want her to feel this pain Goten, she doesn't deserve to."

"Why, because he left you, her, and I for most of our lives? No, you know why? It's because he left us all through so much time to pity over his death. I will no longer-"

"Shut up Goten!" Gohan growled slightly. Anger was building deep inside steadily. "You have so much to live for. Don't give it all up to him, please Goten, don't go through the same thing I've been through."

"Oh but I've already have," he sneered abusively. "I'm already at that point where I'm in debt of my soul because this life is nothing but shit. I'm not going to sit around here and wait for some father to leave me again with a mourning mother and family. You saw how sad Pan was when he left. He missed ten years Gohan, TEN years of her childhood. Now she's a fifteen year old teenager, she's already gone through rejection and she doesn't even know it!"

"Don't say anything to her Goten," Gohan warned to some extent, "You will not talk to her about this. She's only a child!"

"Yeah, and the same age you and I went through when we noticed we hated Goku," Goten smirked cockily. "Why don't we start a guild?"

Gohan's eyes widened as he stared at his little brother. His eyes flashed teal and he growled at the other Saiyan. "You better not tell her."

"Relax Gohan," Goten glowered while feeling the same rage. "I'm not going to put her through pain."

"Why can't you listen to me Goten?" he asked. "Why can't you see that you have a life to have? I've pushed this past me, and now you're bringing it back to your own pain!"

"Why can't you realize that you and I are different?!" Goten yelled with fury. "You're the golden child, the best child, strongest, smartest, and better then stupid ol' Goten. Do you know how it feels like to be compared by father? Oh Gohan is so much stronger, and man does he have a lot of brainpower. Not once did I hear, 'Oh Goten I'm proud of you.' I'm always left out, and that's another reason I hate father because you're the glory child, and I'm the one who will remain unknown."

"Goten don't say that-"

"Oh stop with the guild trip!" Goten shouted while powering up to Super Saiyan. "I've had enough of your pity and sympathy. You had your chance, and now this is my time to live out pain. Just leave me alone!" It was then a bright illumination filled the whole mountain area, and blinded Gohan. When he pried his eyes open Goten was no where to be seen…

~*~  
  


"I'm tired of being what they want me to be," Goten cried out while flying in the air. "I CAN'T WITHSTAND THIS PRESSURE!"


	4. Chapter Four: Sorting

Disclaimer: I don't own DBZ.

Summary: In the last chapter Goten discussed his issues with Gohan but things seemed to have gotten worse. Gohan and Goten got into a quarrel and both were left with broken hearts and retribution. Goten blew up at Gohan and blasted off away into a lonely desolated place. Now in this chapter Goten sorts out his own thoughts about his father and the things that seem to be going wrong in life.

**__**

**_My Pain Alone_**

**__**

**__**

**_Chapter Four: Sorting thoughts  _**

**__**

Goten said alone in a small dark cave while concealing his ki. Every second it seemed to be raising and he was brimming with energy. His aura was changing its appearance also…it seemed darker…more like a blackish blue instead of the purified white aura. It was so odd, out of all the people, Goten thought he could trust Gohan with everything, his thoughts, emotions, energy, life…but no…you can't trust anybody, your always alone in the world.

"Why isn't life resuming its toll?" Goten asked himself. "It seems like everyday things get worse instead of better." 

Indeed it was true. Over the years Goten drifted away from his parents wing of protection a made a new. He realized that the world would never always be there for him for the future to come, and the world kept true to its word. Things got harder for Goten as he struggled in school and training. His mother wanted him to study, and his father wanted him to train. Of course his mother priorities came first and he succeeded in the field of study. He wasn't an A student but he got B's which was good enough for Chichi.

Now when it came to training Goten thought he had it down. A few kicks, some punches there, fusion, turning Super Saiyan, and there you go: your average Saiyan fight. Yet something was wrong whenever he sparred with his father. As he threw his ordinary roundhouse kicks his father would only provoke him to further annoyance until he broke and used up all his energy. That is when Goku would take advantage of the situation and over power Goten with his Super Saiyan abilities and kick his ass. But that didn't sound fair to him now did it?

No…

Of course not! It was preposterous to Goten! Why did everything seem to fall and collapse upon him? It was like the weight of the world was on his shoulders and he seemed hated by all around him. 

"Maybe I shouldn't even be here," he said miserably, "I bet dad would love that, me being gone forever and out of his grasp…what a great deal to go through."

Life seemed so far away for the young boy as he walked steadily around the damp cove. His ki was still concealed and nothing more could be done for him…it seemed dead.

The young Saiyan sighed heavily and shook his head in shame, "No…I think its just me…mother and father already hate me, I pushed my friends away, yelled at Gohan…"

_~*~Flash Back~*~_

_A young Goten ran while giggling happily through the forest. He was in search of his big brother and he called his name aloud. _

_"Gohan!"_

_Nothing came to a reply. It was then his curiosity got the best of him. He wandered off deeper into the woods until he felt something inside that felt like Gohan. As Goten moved the bushes from his sight, he saw a familiar figure. _

_His eyes brightened and he beamed. "Hiya Gohan!"_

_Gohan turned his head towards Goten and stared blankly. A blunt look was upon his face and stared in confusion. "What do you want?"_

_"Mum said it was time for dinner," he said softly. "Why are you so sad?"_

_"Today, five years ago, someone left you, mom, and I," Gohan said bitterly. "Don't mind us Goten, you keep up with your exploring."_

_Goten tilted his head to the side and shrugged, "Okie dokie nichan, whatever you say!"_

_He skipped happily through the woods and back to his home. He followed a light trail of wind when all of a sudden he heard a scream of agony. Goten's eyes widened in horror as he realized it was Gohan's. He ran as fast as he could to his brother and saw once again._

_"Gohan…"_

_Yet his brother couldn't hear him._

_"DAD WHY DID YOU LEAVE US?!" Gohan screamed out. "WHY?! YOU LEFT ME HERE, YOU MADE ME FEEL PAIN!"_

_Goten trembled in fear as he saw a look of death in his brother's eyes. He shook his head and stumbled backwards and fell. "G-Gohan? What's the matter?"_

_Gohan kept screaming at he sky and heavens began to tremble. As it happened, tears streamed down Goten's face and he ran as fast as he could from the scene…_

_~*~End of Flash Back~*~_

Goten shook the thoughts out of his head and wiped the tears away. "I said I would never bring that up…"


End file.
